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Authentic vs. Inauthentic Shame: Why It’s Essential to Know the Difference

Authentic vs. Inauthentic Shame: Why It’s Essential to Know the Difference

by | Body Image, Depression, Self Acceptance, Self Worth

The feeling of shame has a reputation of being the vampire of emotions–the feeling that will suck the life right out of you. Because it comes with it a very physical discomfort, heat, and pain, it’s probably on your list of emotions to be avoided at all costs.

In this blog, I’m going to ask (and attempt to answer) the hard questions: Why do we experience shame? What utility does it have for us? What’s a person to do when they’re feeling trapped in a shame spiral?

First, to understand why we experience shame, we have to explore what triggers it.

 

Shame happens when you’ve broken an agreement that you’ve made with yourself. It is a faithful (and loud) reminder that you’ve strayed out of bounds and broken an internal “rule.” Sometimes shame goes ahead of you, before you’ve actually done the “wrong” deed, preventing you from taking an action that would be out of alignment with your values.

 Our internal “rules” are a mixture of AUTHENTIC and INAUTHENTIC shame, a concept pioneered by Karla McLaren in her book, “The Language of Emotions.”

 

AUTHENTIC SHAME:

AUTHENTIC shame happens when you’ve broken the code of your character or integrity. These “rules” are the moral code that you would apply NOT ONLY to yourself but to other people as well. For example, a part of my moral code is to not gossip. Every single time I find myself participating in gossip with a friend, a feeling of shame creeps up, informing me with its icky feeling that I’m out of line. My “rule” about gossip is one I would teach my children and one I’d hope all people would embrace.

AUTHENTIC shame helps you live a value-drive life. It acts like a curb, nudging you back to alignment with your deepest sense of integrity.

 

INAUTHENTIC SHAME:

On the other hand, INAUTHENTIC shame happens when you’ve broken internalized rules that apply ONLY to you. Here are several examples:

  • A student to has to get all A’s and feels shame for that lone B+ on their transcript.
  • A teen girl feels shameful disgust for the fat on her body because she’s taken in messages that fat is abnormal/wrong/shameful
  • A woman has a miscarriage and feels shame, believing this wouldn’t have happened to her unless there was something bad/wrong with her.
  • A man looks in the mirror at his receding hairline and feels a twinge of shame, as if he’s broken the rule that a man must have a full head of hair.
  • A professional’s voice shakes while giving a presentation at work, feeling shame because they believe it’s bad/wrong to display any form of anxiety in public.

INAUTHENTIC shame is triggered by breaking the “rules” you have for yourself that you would NEVER intentionally pass on to other people.

With INAUTHENTIC shame, there is likely a part of you that recognizes the harmful nature of your “rules.” You might recognize that it contributes to your experience of depression, low self-esteem, poor body image, or toxic perfectionism. AND, you might still feel stuck, buying into those “rules” despite your recognition of the double standard at play.

 

HOW DOES INAUTHENTIC SHAME DEVELOP?

INAUTHENTIC shame springs forth from messages you’ve received from the outside (a critical comment from someone or maybe even messages from the media about what an ideal person is like). It’s as if you’ve taken someone else’s garbage home with you, accepted it as your own, and lived with its stench day after day.

THE REALITY IS: Whether your experience of shame is AUTHENTIC or INAUTHENTIC, 100% of the time it is informing you about internal rules that you are breaking.

 

4 STEPS FOR BREAKING OUT OF INAUTHENTIC SHAME

  1. Start by labeling the shame as INAUTHENTIC, as something that has been applied to you and caused you harm.
  2. Identify clearly what “rule” you are breaking. What are the specific details of the rule? For example: The rule that I’m not allowed to make mistakes OR The rule that I have to do X, Y, and Z by the time I’m 30 or else I’m a failure.
  3. Ask yourself: Where did this rule come from? What has allowed this rule to take root in you over time? Whose garbage is this?
  4. Try out Karla McLaren’s CONTRACT BURNING visualization skill for a powerful and effective way of releasing that old “rule.”

 

If you’d like help shifting out of INAUTHENTIC shame, a counselor may be able to help. The counselors with Star Meadow Counseling love helping clients explore and alter the “rules” that have kept them stuck.

 

References:

Alexander, S. (2018). Mind Body Connections.
McLaren, K. (2010). Language of emotions. [United States]: Sounds True.

How to Ruminate Purposefully

How to Ruminate Purposefully

by | Anxiety, Coping, Depression, Obsession

Do your thoughts ever end up stuck in the past, replaying a conversation or event in your head?

Susan Nolen-Hoeksema from Yale University describes ruminating as “a mode of responding to distress that involves repetitively and passively focusing on symptoms of distress and on the possible causes and consequences of these symptoms.”

You’ll know you are ruminating when:

  • You replay the same old memory over and over, like watching a video on a loop
  • You examine the memory in detail, play-by-play
  • You think (and re-think) about what you could have said or done differently to cause a different result
  • You try to remember exactly how another person reacted in order to evaluate yourself

Most people do not enter into ruminating thoughts on purpose. Instead, ruminating tends to be an automatic response and force of habit. You might even ruminate without realizing it consciously until you start feeling slightly (or a lot) embarrassed, anxious, disappointed in yourself, or guilty. Because the thoughts operate on auto-pilot, they are often unproductive. The thoughts can leave you with hyper-judgmental inner thoughts that have gone nowhere to propel you forward.

Have you ever paused to wonder: WHY ARE THESE THOUGHTS HAPPENING TO ME? WHAT’S THE POINT?

In her book, “The Language of Emotions,” Karla McClaren suggests ruminating might not only be replaying the past, but is in fact is the brain looking for NEW information. This new information might be of help to you in future, similar circumstances.

What if ruminating thoughts bring with them a powerful GIFT? What if you could channel their efforts into something that DOES help and DOES move you forward?

Here are some tips for ruminating more effectively and purposefully:

  1. Notice when you are ruminating and name it: “I’m ruminating.” This will help you shift into on-purpose self-reflection and away from a spiral into automatic negative thinking.
  2. Reflect back looking for learning points. What would I have done or said differently if I had a do-over? What did I miss that I’d want to watch for in the future?
  3. Avoid judging yourself. Labeling yourself harshly (Example: “failure”) serves no practical purpose and only causes you harm. In fact, rumination that is laden with negativity about yourself amplifies your experience of depression or anxiety.
  4. Be kind to yourself and intentional about practicing self-compassion. That means assuming the best about why you did or said what you did in those moments. In that moment, you probably did the best with what you knew. If practicing self-compassion is difficult for you, a counselor may be able to help.
  5. Some events we ruminate on were not in our control. Don’t take ownership of stuff that’s not yours, especially if it’s related to an experience of abuse.
  6. Know when to stop. The moment you realize that reflecting back is not helpful (HINT: You’re finding no further learning points), call it quits. There are a number of different strategies you can take to help you let go of unhelpful intrusive thoughts. Try out a cognitive defusion technique, prayer, or confirm to yourself out-loud: “These are just thoughts. They’re not helping anymore. I’m letting them go.” Some intrusive thoughts are harder to shake than others, especially if they’ve been around for a long time or if there’s trauma involved. Be patient with yourself and don’t be afraid to ask a counselor for help.

 

If you’d like assistance shifting out of a destructive pattern of rumination, a therapist at Star Meadow Counseling might be able to help. We love to see clients shift ruminations into something more constructive, useful, healing, and less self-critical.

How to Gear Up for an Awkward Conversation

How to Gear Up for an Awkward Conversation

by | Anger Management, Anxiety, Relationships, Self Acceptance

Years ago, I was the guitarist in a rock band. Well, okay, the term “rock band” might be a bit of an exaggeration. It was really a group of fresh-faced college students playing children’s music at local parks. The trouble was, our drummer had just learned some fancy new fills and was throwing off the beat–repeatedly, in every single song.

Ever the “nice” kid, I recall being wracked with anxiety as I prepared to confront the drummer. I waited passively first, hoping he would figure out on his own that he was the one messing things up. When that didn’t do the trick, I knew it was time to say something.

It was around that time that one of my mentors taught me how to use “I”-Statements, which forever changed the way I approach awkward conversations, and allowed me to find the words for opening up to the drummer.

 

“I”-STATEMENTS

“I”-Statements are an approach to confrontation that allows the person doing the confronting to take ownership for their own thoughts, feelings, and needs. Not surprisingly, “I”-statements typically start with the word “I.” Here are some example “I”-Statement sentence starters:

  • I noticed…
  • I feel… (and you have to use an actual emotion word here!)
  • What I’d like is…

In contrast, “You”-statements put the blame on the other person, setting into motion the type of defensiveness that often escalates a confrontation into a fight. A typical “You”-statement might sound something like– “Drummer dude, you’re screwing up our rhythm!” That approach would probably not have lead to anything constructive and may have damaged band cohesion.

Instead, an I-statement allows me to express how I’m being impacted and what I need. For example: “Drummer dude, I noticed myself struggling to keep a steady strumming rhythm during those transitions when you’re using the new drum fills. I’ve felt lost during those parts. What I’d like is to hold off on using the new fills until we can get in sync with our rhythm in practice.”

 

Sometimes, an “I”-statement doesn’t feel like quite enough, especially when the awkward conversation you are preparing is particularly hard for someone to hear.

Let’s be real! Being on the receiving end of feedback can be uncomfortable, exposing, and make us feel vulnerable! Most of us have a natural defensive mechanism that steps in when those feelings come up while someone is giving feedback. That defensiveness can come across as denying, blaming, excusing, or ignoring. When you’re anticipating defensiveness in your awkward conversation, the “Empathy Sandwich” technique might come in handy.

 

 EMPATHY SANDWICH

A palatable confrontation is like a bologna sandwich.

  • The top slice of bread is an empathy statement. You can demonstrate empathy (which helps soften your confrontation) by showing that you understand where the other person is coming from. You put yourself in their shoes. For example: “You’ve been so excited to try out the new drum fills you’re learning!”

 

  • The bologna is the meat of the confrontation– the main point you’re hoping they hear. “I noticed myself struggling to keep a steady strumming rhythm during those transitions when you’re using the new fills. I’ve felt lost during those parts. What I’d like is to hold off on using the new fills until we can get in sync with our rhythm in practice.”

 

  • The bottom slice of bread is another empathy statement. “I understand why you’ve been so motivated to try the new fills! You’ve got that battle of the drummers competition coming up and you’re worried you might not be ready!”

 

The empathy sandwich technique might not work so well if the “meat” of your sandwich has too many layers. Do your best to stick to the point. What do you most want them to hear? If you throw in the kitchen sink, they will likely miss the point.

The empathy sandwich technique works best when the empathy statements you choose assume the best in the other person, are non-judgmental, and reflect your sense of how the other person is feeling.

 

FEEDBACK GUIDELINES

 In her book, “Daring Greatly,” Brene Brown provides a checklist that a person can use to gauge whether or not they are ready to give feedback.

“I know I am ready to give feedback when–

  • I’m ready to sit next to you rather than across from you;
  • I’m willing to put the problem in front of us rather than between us (or sliding it toward you)
  • I’m ready to listen, ask questions and accept that I may not fully understand the issue;
  • I want to acknowledge what you do well instead of picking apart your mistakes;
  • I recognize your strengths and how you can use them to address your challenges;
  • I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming you;
  • I’m willing to own my part;
  • I can genuinely thank you for your efforts rather than criticize you for your failings;
  • I can talk about how resolving these challenges will lead to your growth and opportunity; and
  • I can model the vulnerability and openness that I can expect from you. (p.204, Daring Greatly)”

 

A printed version of Brene Brown’s checklist can be found at her website.

 

If you’d like support gearing up for an awkward conversation, a counselor at Star Meadow Counseling is available to help!

 

 

REFERENCES

Brown, B. (2017). Engaged Feedback Checklist. Retrieved May 28, 2018, from https://brenebrown.com/downloads/engaged-feedback-checklist/

Negative Thoughts are Like Country Music

Negative Thoughts are Like Country Music

by | CBT, Coping

Imagine for a moment that the negative thoughts running wild in your brain played like a country song on repeat. Would any of the songs have titles like these?

 

  • “She Don’t Think My Beard Is Sexy”
  • “All Alone Again (In My Truck)”
  • “My Guitar Only Has Three Strings”
  • “My Love (and My Tractor’s) Tank Are Outta Gas”
  • “The Short End of the Stick (Life Ain’t Fair)”
  • “Failing Like Roadkill”
  • “Little Doggie, I’m So Miserable Without You”
  • “Stuck in This Here Town”
  • “Like Me Please, ‘Cuz I Don’t Like Myself”
  • “What I Want Don’t Matter (All I Want Is a New Rig)”
  • “Stop Feeling That Feeling I Feel”
  • “Gotta Be Perfect (Hat, Boots, and All)”
  • “Can’t Slow Down This Fast Train”

 

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how much you like/dislike country music), negative thoughts don’t sound twangy, musical, or even remotely playful when they’re happening. Instead, they tend to evoke anxiety, sadness, disappointment, guilt, anger, or shame.

Like a good country song, however, our negative thoughts tend to have a repetitive “hook”–a chorus (or negative theme) that plays over and over again on repeat. Most of us aren’t super creative with our negative thoughts. They tend to be the same variations of ten (often much fewer) repetitious themes.

THE REALITY IS: We don’t have as much control over our thinking as some would like to believe. Most of us do not on-purpose sit there thinking, “Man, now would be a good time to think really crappy things about myself.” No, the thoughts just happen, all on their own. Often, the thoughts are on autopilot, automatic responses born out of habit, not intention.

 

What then can be done with negative thoughts? Here are two practical solutions:

 

  1. ENGAGE IN A FULL-ON RAP BATTLE WITH THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

 

Like a country song that exaggerates for dramatic effect, not all of the negative thoughts we experience are not fully accurate, truthful, or likely. It can be confusing, because in the moment, most of negative thoughts sound true and feel true. However, feeling something is true does not make that thought true. Emotionally-laden thoughts can be skewed toward the negative similar to how a fun-house mirror that takes the image of a person and distorts it grotesquely.

Listen to the lyrics of one verse of Hank Williams’ classic country song, “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry:”

“I’ve never seen a night so long

When time goes crawling by

The moon just went behind the clouds

To hide its face and cry”

Most of our negative thoughts are not nearly so poetic; however, they do often apply similar distorted tactics– Generalization and Magnification. The feeling of loneliness is real, raw, and genuine. Though the feeling grows to new proportions when the thought is amplified to include something much broader; in this case–the whole world seems lonely (time, the moon, etc.). Do your negative thoughts do something like this? Do they:

  • Overgeneralize: “always” or “never”
  • Make Things Personal
  • Magnify or Catastrophize
  • Label: “stupid”, “lazy,” “ugly”
  • Attempt to foresee the future (except in an apocalyptic, pessimistic way)
  • Filter out the Positive
  • Shame you for what you SHOULD be doing, but you’re NOT

 

If so, it might be time to sass those thoughts back like Kellie Pickler with thoughts that are more true, balanced, or at least neutral.

TIP: Don’t just let that negative thought on repeat have its way with you. Talk back! Engage those thoughts in a RAP BATTLE.

In a traditional rap battle (if something like that can be called “traditional”), rappers will take turns taking jabs at each other (in a rhyming fashion). You don’t need to be quite so creative. You can also hold back from belittling the negative thought like a rapper would. Instead, talk back to your negative thoughts with more accurate statements. Battle back with TRUTH. You might not be able to control the first thought that comes into your mind, but you do have some say over the second thought.

If you’d like help talking back to your chorus of negative thoughts, a counselor trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help. There are also great books that can guide you, including “Mind Over Mood” by Dennis Greenberger and “Feeling Good” by David Burns.

 

2. THINK OF NEGATIVE THOUGHTS LIKE FAMILIAR ELEVATOR MUSIC & RELEGATE THEM TO THE BACKGROUND

What if we were to think of thoughts like country music playing in the background of an elevator. Just like with elevator music, you are not always the DJ controlling the content or volume of your thoughts. If you were the DJ, certainly you’d flip the “off” switch and opt for some silence! If your thoughts aren’t responding to the RAP BATTLE APPROACH described above, perhaps this next idea might be for you.

Try it: Write out a list of your most frequent negative thoughts. Group similar ones together. Is there as much variety as you were expecting? I bet you could make a playlist of your own that would be shorter than your average country music album. This approach to handling negative thoughts that comes from a therapeutic approach called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).

If you experience the same negative thoughts, over and over, some of the best things you can do are:

  • Recognize them (“Oh I’m having that thought again”)
  • Name them (“That’s the ‘I’m a failure’ thought.”)
  • Simply acknowledge that this is “a thing” your brain does in response to certain triggers.
  • Allow the thought to just be a thought. Don’t give it power by digging deeper. Digging deeper = Looking for further evidence that the thoughts is true, wise, actionable, real.
  • Don’t allow the thought to dictate your actions. You can hear the music playing in the background and still move forward toward your goals and act according to your values. Sometimes the volume of the negative thoughts is loud and distracting, sometimes attempting to demand your full attention. Nonetheless, negative thoughts do not have to define a person or their behaviors.

 

If your intrusive negative thoughts aren’t quite as fun as country music, a professional therapist may be able to help. The counselors at Star Meadow Counseling are trained in helping clients shift out of negative thought patterns. You don’t have to stay stuck on repeat.

10 Places to Relax around Vancouver, WA

10 Places to Relax around Vancouver, WA

by | Anxiety, Coping

Are you exhausted by the burden of responsibilities you’ve been shouldering? Do you need a break or a breather, even if it’s just for a few moments? Self-care is an essential component of survival in this busy world! All of us need moments when we can slow down and recharge.

Here are some places, all nearby around Vancouver, WA or Portland, OR where you might find reprieve:

 

  1. Ridgefield Wildlife Refuge

Located just north of Vancouver in Ridgefield, WA, the Ridgefield Wildlife Refuge contains 5300 acres of natural habitats, alive with birds and other animals–all native species. The Refuge offers walking trails and an auto route you can tour in your car. When I visited, I saw a juvenile bald eagle, great blue herons, and nutria (beaver-like critters) all in one 30 minute drive!

  1. Hulda Klager Lilac Gardens

The annual “Lilac Days” garden is open from April 21- May 13th 2018. You’ll be surrounded by the scents and sights of lilacs in full bloom in this stunning walkable garden. These aren’t just ordinary lilacs, but specialty varieties hybridized by Mrs. Klager during her life’s work. The Lilac Gardens are located in Woodland WA.

  1. Waterfront Renaissance Trail

The Waterfront Renaissance Trail is a 5-mile stretch of paved trail along the Columbia River. It connects Esther Short Park and Wintler Community Park. You’ll find awe-inspiring views of Mt. Hood and find peace as you sit on a bench and watch the water slowly move by.

  1. Wintler Community Park

Looking for a place to swim outdoors in the summer time? Or get some sun on the riverside beach? Wintler Community Park is the perfect place in Vancouver for summertime relaxation. It’s great for picnicking too!

  1. Salmon Creek Regional Park/Trail/Klineline Pond

The Salmon Creek Regional Park has it all–a spash pad for children to play, miles of paved walking/running/biking trails, roped swimming areas with lifeguard on duty during the summer, a plethora of picnic benches, and a pond perfect for wildlife viewing. It’s an ideal getaway if you’re looking for something close to the city of Vancouver that makes you feel like you’re miles away.

  1. Esther Short Park Summer Concert Series

Do you relax best to the sound of music? Every summer, free concerts are available to the community in downtown Vancouver, WA at Esther Short Park. Experience a variety of musical tastes, including jazz, bluegrass, rock, country, and even a symphony orchestra. A separate venue of free concerts will take place at the Columbia Tech Center in eastern Vancouver, WA.

  1. Vancouver Lake Park

Looking to relax on the water? Try canoeing, windsurfing, or kayaking on Vancouver Lake Park located on the west side of Vancouver, WA. This expansive park also offers sand volleyball, playground equipment, and a paved walking trail. It’s a beautiful place to slow down and connect with nature!

  1. Pearson Air Museum

Perhaps getting up close with history is your idea of relaxation. The Pearson Air Museum in Vancouver, WA is open for tours Tuesday through Saturday, 9am-5pm. The museum is a slow-paced experience of ingenuity, showcasing aircraft as it transformed and developed over time.

  1. The Columbia Gorge Riverboat

If you have time (and money) for a longer excursion, a cruise along the Columbia River might be just what you need. You can select a cruise that best fits your interest– Are you interested in seeing the sights along the Columbia River gorge? Or are you more interested in learning about the history of the Lewis & Clark Expedition or about Native American legends?

  1. Powell’s City of Books

Maybe your idea of relaxation is getting lost in a good book. Powell’s bookstore in Portland, OR has a collection of books like nowhere else, boasting over two million books in inventory, a vast diversity of literature of every kind. A visit to Powell’s is not like visiting other book stores. It is truly an immersive experience, offering a fun kind of break from the rigors of day-to-day life.

 

If you need help relaxing, especially if it feels like anxiety has a hold on you, a counselor with Star Meadow Counseling is available to help. You can call us at 360-952-3070 or email us at [email protected] to schedule an appointment.