If you believe you are “worthless,” it can bring on crushing feelings of depression and shame. But worthlessness doesn’t only impact how you feel. It also profoundly impacts what you do next. When you believe you are “worthless,” you might:

• Not ask for help
• Silence your voice
• Say ‘yes’ when you’d prefer to say ‘no’ (or vice versa)
• Deny your own needs
• Stick it out in a toxic workplace or relationship
• Stop trying
• Quit things that matter most to you
• Isolate from friends or family
• Spend money on others but not yourself
• Behave recklessly
• Cover up, conceal, or hide

 

The trouble is, the more you behave as if you are worthless, the more shame you feel, the more you believe you are worthless. This perpetuates more of the same stuck behavior. It’s a vicious circle.

 

DISCLAIMER: Before we dive in too deep, as detailed in my post “Why I Think ‘Worthless’ Isn’t a Feeling AND Why that Matters,” I see “worthless” as a judgment NOT a feeling. Worthlessness is a malleable belief system that can be changed as you alter thinking, change behavior (the focus of this article), and heal from past hurts or traumas.

 

CHALLENGE: Imagine for a moment that a miracle took place while you were sleeping and you wake up in the morning fully believing that you are a person of infinite worth. Really stick with the image for a few minutes even if it’s difficult. Grab a piece of paper and jot down your ideas about how you interact with your day differently if you were to see yourself as WHOLE and WORTHY.

 

Depending on how deeply the belief of worthlessness has taken hold, perhaps behaving as if you are a person of worth starts with taking care of basic tasks of living, such as:

• Rolling out of bed (maybe rolling on to the floor if that’s what gets you started)
• Getting dressed in clean clothes
• Taking a shower
• Brushing your teeth
• Checking the mail
• Scheduling that doctor’s appointment or dentist appointment you’ve delayed
• Getting in to see a counselor or psychiatric medication prescriber

 

If your beliefs about worthlessness have impacted your relationships, behaving as if you were a person of worth might look like:

• Reaching out to friends or family you find trustworthy
• Practicing vulnerability (again, with those you find trustworthy)
• Accepting an invitation (or declining an invitation if your experience of worthlessness involves co-dependent people-pleasing)
• Putting yourself out there to make a new connection
• Raising your standards for friendship or dating
• Setting boundaries with someone causing you harm
• Speaking up about something you’re needing

 

If beliefs about worthlessness have impacted you at work or school, behaving as if you are worthy might involve:

• Requesting accommodations
• Applying for that promotion or job change you’ve been too scared to try, even if it doesn’t work out; as a student, perhaps trying out for the school play or a position on a team (regardless of outcome)
• Going back to school later in life
• Asking for help or more training
• Giving yourself a break to prevent burnout
• Making a change to your schedule to accommodate what you’re really needing
• Living like Teddy Roosevelt’s “Man in the Arena”(however that translates for you)

 

If body image struggles have been a source of worthless thoughts, perhaps behaving as if you are fully worthy involves:

• Buying clothes that fit your body comfortably at its current size
• Nourishing yourself with consistent food intake throughout the day
• Moving your body in ways that feel joyful but not self-punishing
• Not letting your body hold you back from living your life (ex. Going swimming, traveling, dating)
• Asking your doctor not to weigh you unless it’s (truly) needed medically
• Respecting your body with your thoughts (get your inner bully in check)
• Reading the book “Body Respect” by Lindo Bacon for even more ideas

 

These are all only examples. You will customize your behavioral REBELLION against worthless beliefs based on how worthlessness impacts you.

ASK: What action does worthlessness want you to do? You can either obey or disobey. Real change happens when you begin to DISOBEY.

In Dialectical-Behavioral Therapy (DBT), there is a skill called “Opposite Action” that helps shift negative beliefs with different (opposite) behavior. Here’s a video where you can learn more: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkxOICjG2is

 

The big idea is this– If acted as if you are a person of worth EVEN BEFORE YOU BELIEVE IT’S TRUE– you can impact how you feel about yourself positively. Sometimes Action comes before Belief. Sometimes Action comes before you Feel any differently.

 

As mentioned above, many folks that experience worthless beliefs have trauma experiences that have contributed to low self-worth. If you’re curious about the impact of past experiences on worthless beliefs, ask yourself..

 

• When did you first start to believe you are  “worthless?” Did someone in your life send you this message– directly or indirectly?
• Did you have experiences of emotional neglect that taught you that your feelings or needs weren’t valuable?
• Did you experience physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse at anytime in childhood or adulthood?
• Did you experience other Adverse Childhood Experiences(ACES)?

 

Let’s not pretend that any of this work is easy, especially if you are feeling depressed! That’s why many people get support from a professional therapist when doing this work. Don’t hesitate to reach out for support. You’re worth it!

 

Have you ever been so dejected or depressed that you began to question your worth as a person? What triggered that moment for you? Was it:

• A rejection, break-up, or abandonment?
• A harsh word or critique that hit like an arrow in the heart?
• A failure to live up to your own expectations?
• Feeling in over your head, burned out, or unable to perform?
• Something else?

As counselors, we often hear clients describe their feeling during these moments as “worthless.” It’s as if some lack of performing, achieving, belonging, or approval could strip away a person’s value as a human, leaving them with a sense of emptiness.

Do you have a sense of self-worth that goes up and down? A conditional self-worth that is dependant on being liked or on your achievements? As you’ve perhaps experienced, having a conditional self-worth can be risky:

• Perhaps you overwork, overachieve, and compulsively climb ladders trying to prove yourself. Do ever really reach the finish line or are you stuck on a hamster wheel constantly striving? Does that cost you time with your family or friends? If a setback occurs, do you name yourself “failure” and pay a cost with anxiety, depression, or a suicidal urge?
• Perhaps you base self-worth on the condition of others’ approval (which can go up or down). Do you have a good or bad day depending on if someone else’s reactions to you? Does that ever lead you to over-committing or people-pleasing? Do you hold back, minimizing your voice in relationships? If a subtle rejection occurs, do you notice yourself having a big emotional response?

Perfectionism is the embodiment of achievement-oriented or approval-oriented self worth. Brene Brown describes perfectionism and its cost best:

“Perfectionism is not the same thing has striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfet, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”

-Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

It’s time to change how we think about WORTH. What if you could experience a form of self-worth that did not ebb and flow with your achievement or approval? Would you step off of the “conditional self-worth” rollercoaster? Wouldn’t it be amazing to experience security in your self-worth despite successes or failures!

I want to suggest two key strategies for revolutionizing your experience of self-worth.

1. Clarify what you really feel when you say you feel “WORTHLESS.”

I want to suggest that “WORTHLESS” is a judgment NOT a feeling. It’s a proclamation of subjective self-assessment. It is more thought than it is emotion. These judgments are similarly not feelings:

• Bad
• Failure
• Fat
• Ugly
• Stupid
• Crazy

But, you might argue, “I DO feel strongly when I have those thoughts!” YES! A distorted negative self-evaluation would certainly evoke a strong feeling! Let’s see if we can clarify what you are really feeling in those moments. Perhaps one of these feeling words would more accurately describe the emotion that goes with that thought:

• Disappointment
• Shame
• Sadness
• Anger
• Fear
• Worry
• Guilt

This perspective shifting skill is essential: Instead of going along with the “I’m worthless” judgment, NAME WHAT YOU’RE FEELING and WHY.

For example: “I’m feeling ashamed because I yelled at my kids.” “I am feeling afraid because I lost my job.” “I am feeling sad because she broke up with me.”

2. REDEFINE WORTH.

The striking reality is that there is no standard measurement of WORTH. There is not a test you can take, a medal you can earn, or a status you must reach. The concept of what defines self-worth is unscientific, self-determined, and deeply personal. YOU HAVE THE POWER to change your self-assessment.

What if you were to intentionally choose to believe WORTH is a birthright, something inherent in your humanness? I think that’s what the founders of our country believed when they wrote these words in the Declaration of Independence:

“We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

WORTH does not have to be conditional. You can found your self-worth on the powerful certainty that you have sustaining value that can not be earned nor lost.

HYPOCRICY CHECK: Do you apply unconditional worth to other people better than to yourself?  For example, if you’re a parent, your child might make choices that make you lose their trust, but could they ever lose worth in your eyes? Never! You might already believe in unconditional self-worth, as it applies to others. Are you applying the same concept to yourself? If not, now’s the time. Take the leap of faith. It’s worth it!

Now, if we combine the name-your-feelings skill with the concept of unconditional self-worth, you can see how it’s possible to make mistakes, have setbacks, and receive rejection without it meaning anything at all about your worth as a human.

If you’d like help building a secure sense of self-worth (or overcoming your achievement- or approval-oriented perfectionism), a therapist at Star Meadow Counseling may be available to help.

Also check out behavioral strategies for shifting out of worthless thoughts in our latest blog: “How to Disobey ‘Worthless’ Thoughts.”